I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
