i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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