i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
