get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
