You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You have to summon your inner elephant
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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