new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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