remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
