So gin and wine won't be happening again
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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