You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
