we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
