Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
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I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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