Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
A+ Viking dick
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
