I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
