"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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