I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
