you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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