Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Randomize
