My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
