There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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