i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
