you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
