Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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