so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
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The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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