Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
