Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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