Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i will never coherently bang her
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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