We won't sleep together?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
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Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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