I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
