4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
