You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
