so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
