Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Randomize
