I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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