Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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