i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
