Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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