Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
