pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
