I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
