I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
