when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
