i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Randomize
