apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
