Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
