Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
