You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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