when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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