Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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