there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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