so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You have to summon your inner elephant
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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