dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
