I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
