my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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