im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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