Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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