You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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