I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
