If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
