News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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