theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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